Authors: Contract employees of the newly-created NIH Division of Genomic Efficiency (NIH-DOGE), the cost-effective replacement NIH Institute for the now defunct National Human Genome Research Institute (NHGRI). The mission of NIH-DOGE is to improve America’s genetic health.
NOTE: This is a satire. I added this disclaimer after I wrote the first draft of this post because, well, it sounded like it could be true.
Introduction and Rationale
America is in a genetic crisis. There are far too many undesirables having far too many babies and voting for Democrats. This represents an extreme threat to the social, economic, religious, and political fabric of our democracy country. Therefore, we propose a program – not to be confused with eugenics – which encourages reproduction among those who can provide the best genetic stock for future generations of Americans. This program is called Better America Breeding Initiative to Enhance Society. This title was chosen because it is consistent with Make America Healthy Again and the like, but also because the acronym is BABIES, and how could anyone oppose a program with such a cute name?
Methods
We utilized the latest techniques of whole genome analysis, including long read sequencing, ancestry analysis, and the indispensable and non-controversial polygenic risk scores to analyze a cross-section of the US population to identify those who should be encouraged to produce the greatest number of offspring within their Christian-sanctioned (limited to certain sects) marriage only.
Exclusion Criteria
Consistent with recent anti-DEI presidential Executive Orders, the following groups were excluded from participation:
- Anyone of The Fairer Sex, also known as females
- Anyone claiming to be a sex or gender other than male. It goes without saying that anyone with the prefix trans- in front of their gender are to be excluded.
- Anyone claiming to be victimized, minoritized, oppressed, or descendants of so-called slaves
- Immigrants, documented or otherwise
- Anyone who has engaged in sexual activity with members of the same sex. Or anyone who is thought to have engaged in such sexual activity (let’s face it, some people look really gay or lesbian but won’t admit it)
- Anyone whose ancestry is not from Northern/Western Europe or a country that places unfair tariffs on American goods. Exceptions can be made for anyone who has made really large donations to support acceptable Republican candidate
- Anyone who voted for a Democrat
- Anyone who does not attend a Christian church
- Canadians illegally residing in the US
- Low-income people who are too lazy to work and are leeching off government programs like Medicaid, Medicare, and SNAP
- Anyone who has received an mRNA vaccine
- Anyone else we decide we don’t want
Results
After applying exclusion criteria, we were left with one participant who met our criteria and who we liked, some guy who lives in, surprisingly, the liberal bastion of San Francisco. We can’t explain this except sometimes that’s how the genetic lottery works.
Even though there was only one participant in our study, we do not believe that this imposes significant limits on generalizability. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kennedy, who is well known for his rigorous scientific mind, agrees with us and states that our program goals are consistent with Make America Healthy Again and therefore should be published.
We will not release the name of the subject, though his Social Security Number and other personal information is available upon request if you ask anyone who works for the other DOGE. Or for a fee.
The subject’s genomic analysis revealed that he carries a few pathogenic variants with the potential to produce serious clinical conditions throughout the lifespan. However, we feel that he has other genetic traits that make him an Ideal Reproducer. For example, his polygenic risk scores showed the genetic potential for an IQ score nearly 7 points above the population mean and a kinda’ low risk for schizophrenia. He has a good sperm count. Most critically, his ancestry analysis indicated 99% inheritance from Scandinavia, Germany, and the good parts of the UK. We don’t think his 1% African-American inheritance should be counted against him. We are open-minded and don’t give credence to the racist One Drop Rule.
Discussion
Anyone whose genetic and social profile matches the Ideal Reproducer should be encouraged to have as many children as possible with their wives, including tax breaks, generous baby bonuses so the wife does not have to be employed, a nice house, and the latest model Tesla. For reproductive purposes, their prospective wives should undergo similar rigorous genetic testing to make sure they are genetically well-matched. Such genetic testing will be free for prospective spouses if they are also identified as Ideal Reproducers. The married couples should also be given full and free access to any Assisted Reproductive Technology, such as IVF, to ensure they fulfill their reproductive potential.
Identifying Ideal Reproducers will increase the number of Productive Americans who will make positive economic and social contribution to society. Combining the BABIES Program with the Avoiding Undesirable Reproduction in America (AURA) Initiative. The AURA Initiative geometrically increases the tax rate of Undesirable Reproducers proportional to the number of children they have. In addition, we recommend that Congress should pass the Access To Genetic Counselors Act, which makes genetic counselors approved Medicare providers, as long as all genetic counselors only participate in the BABIES program to identify Ideal Reproducers. BABIES and AURA together will save America taxpayers trillions of dollars in the next 5 years, eliminate government waste, balance the budget, and allow even more tax breaks for the ultra-wealthy.
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