“Know thyself,” said Socrates. We at GeeKnowType agree – everyone should have access to the personal knowledge hidden deep inside their DNA. But not everyone needs one of those pesky certified genetic “specialists” to guide them through the maze of genetic testing. Even if you don’t fully grasp the subtleties of germline mosaicism or imprinting, you have a fundamental right to learn self-evident truths about yourself.
GeeKnowType, the leading on-line gene boutique, will unlock the treasure chest of your DNA. Discover your innermost desires, dreams, and destinies – so secret that, until now, even you were unaware of them.
With its focus on nonsense mutations, our patented SybilChip® technology will help you realize your full genetic potential. Simply send us a small sample of your brain tissue*, which you can obtain on your own with our free easy to use home neurobiopsy kit. Your confidential genetic profile can be posted on your Facebook wall, im’d to your favorite chatroom, or downloaded to your smartphone.
Join the millions of others who have taken advantage of the latest discoveries in the science of human genetics to improve their personal, social, and sexual lives with GeeKnowType – the DNA test for people who want to be in the know.
Here is a sample of some of our most popular personalized genomic products:
M-eye Color©: Everyone thinks your eyes are brown, but you swear they are hazel. Who’s right? Only your eye color genes know for sure.
SwitchHitter©: Am I right-handed or left-handed? Do I have situs inversus or just a poor sense of direction? With the powerful awareness of your genetic handedness, your cilia will always beat in the right direction.
MyGeneColor©: What is your favorite color? Cerulean? Or is it really a cool shade of pinky-purple? Busy people don’t have time to recall these details. No worry – MyGeneColor will find out for you. You will never again be at a loss, whether you are painting your walls or painting your nails.
RightWeigh©: Your scale says you are overweight, but you know you cannot weigh that much. In fact, research has shown that scales tell us more about our parentage than our eating habits. With your true genetic weight, you will no longer be a slave to unreliable scales that invariably add pounds to your real weight. Say good riddance to diet and exercise!
WhichWay©: Not sure if your sexual preference runs to men, women, or both? Ask your genes and they will tell. WARNING: Not recommended for members of the US Armed Forces.
GeneSequins©: How chic is your fashion sense? The Human Genome Project has proven that your Hip Quotient is genetically determined. Don’t fret about a thoroughly embarrassing surprise visit from Stacy and Clinton! We recommend that GeneSequins be run along with our RightWeigh and MyGeneColor products to give you a complete picture of your personal style.
WellRead©: How do you know which authors you like? More importantly, which ones do you actually understand? Should you be reading The New Yorker or People, James Bond or James Joyce? Let us read your genes so you can read genetically appropriate literature – and save money on unnecessary magazine subscriptions.
MyType or WildType©: Fed up with online dating services that set you up with a string of losers? Our DNA matching service will help you find your genetic soulmate….Oh, wait, never mind. We will have to cancel this test. Some other company beat us to the punch on this one.
Don’t see a genetic test that meets your needs? Our specially trained staff will help you design a personalized genetic profile that will tell you anything that you want to hear.
* – Minors under the age of 18 – please check with your parents before sending in your brain sample.
12 responses to “GeeKnowType – The Unique Gene Boutique”
I realize that “LOL” is a much-overused term, but I truly did el-oh-el many times. Thanks for that injection of humor into my tired morning. Well done!
what, i thought this was serious?
We should talk. I’ve just developed GeneTweet, an iPhone app that lets you post little genetic tidbits about yourself. The innovation is my TinySeq algorithm that distills a 50,000 bp gene into 20 characters or less, so it’ll fit in a Twitter post. E.g., “Just found out my alcohol dehydrogenase status: oh.21+.lush.1!1!1!%) Beers r on me!”
Loved it! This should be in the next issue of Time or Newsweek. Thank you!
Robert Resta – Voice of our Gene-eration!!
This was great! Thanks for posting.
Dear specially trained staff member, please let me know your tat – esp wrt to the WellRead© interpretation. I am preparing for a long trip next week and need to know what to load into my kindle. I already know M-eye Color© – bloodshot. V
Oh my God–I’m literally in tears I’m laughing so hard! 🙂 Thanks for the Friday laugh!
Is there a Blog-Pulitzer? You have my vote!
LOVE IT! Laughed out loud…keep up the good work!
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