Category Archives: Robert Resta

Make Me Wanna Holler

Oh, make we wanna hollerHollerin' Man

And throw up both my hands

Make me wanna holler

They don’t understand

Inner City Blues, written by Marvin Gaye and James Nyx, Jr

Multigene panels have perked up the world of hereditary cancer testing. After 15 years of Myriad-dominated BRCA testing as pretty much the only testing option for at-risk families, cancer genetic predisposition testing has been reinvigorated by a whole slew of labs offering a bewildering array of testing options – panels focused on a specific type of cancer, panels limited to highly penetrant genes only, multi cancer gene panels, panels that include moderately penetrant genes, and even design-your-own panels. This isn’t a perfect world and the pick-up rate of new mutations is a bit disappointing. Still, sunshine and fresh air are starting to flow through some of the dark and musty corners of hereditary cancer risk testing.

But all of a sudden health insurers are starting to rain on the parade of new tests. Over the past year, a number of health insurers – local and national – have backed off from covering multigene panel tests after having  previously provided coverage. Regence Blue Shield, First Choice, HMA, CIGNA (with a few rare exceptions), BlueCross BlueShield of Kansas, and now Federal Blue Cross and Aetna (which doesn’t even cover large genomic rearrangement testing!), among others, have put policies in place that specifically exclude coverage of multigene panels. What’s going on here?

I don’t want to stereotype health insurers as amoral profiteers looking to cut a few corners to increase their bottom lines by denying recommended medical care (though admittedly the temptation to do so was strong). That is foolish name calling that gets us nowhere. The policy changes are presumably based on a lack of data on our part rather than a lack of conscience on the part of the insurance industry.  Why should insurers cover  multigene panels if care providers can’t demonstrate that they improve patient outcomes or make for more economical use of medical resources? Health care costs are expanding at a quicker rate than the visible universe and any new tests should have clear-cut medical or economic benefits.

universe v healthcare, courtesy of Emily Singh

The problem lies in the very nature of genetic disease. Genetic conditions are rare. Even with the BRCA genes, the most common highly penetrant cancer risk genes, it took nearly ten years to accumulate convincing data on clinical utility and cost effectiveness. All of the other cancer risk associated genes are far less common. It is impossible to conduct clinical and cost-effectiveness studies on each gene, especially for the moderately penetrant genes. Simply put, we will never be able to provide the data that insurers are demanding.

But enough kvetching. Let me offer some ways to address this problem.

  1. Insurers need to understand that this is a whole new world in genetics and therefore they must use different standards for determining coverage for testing for uncommon conditions. An alternative way of thinking is to look at genetic diseases as defects in pathways rather than as isolated genes. Given what we have learned about the BRCA/Fanconi pathway, it is reasonable to assume that many genes in the pathway – NBN, PALB2, ATM, etc. –  will have some impact on cancer risk. If research can demonstrate the benefits of testing for one gene in a pathway, this should provide solid ground for assuming that testing other genes in the pathway will likely be beneficial as well. Adding more genes to a testing panel should result in greater medical benefits, though admittedly to varying degrees. Sure a few genes in a pathway may eventually turn out to have little clinical value, but those can be discarded along the way.
  2. Insurers must realize that adding more tests to a panel does not substantially increase the costs. Thanks to massively parallel sequencing, it costs no more to run four genetic tests than it does to run forty genetic tests. While the greater number of positive genetic test results may result in greater indirect costs because more patients will test positive for a mutation and will be undergoing screening and risk reducing procedures, this will be partially offset by eliminating the need for screening and prophylactic measures in family members who test negative for familial mutations. In a high risk family where no mutation has been identified, everyone in the family needs testing. However, if a mutation is found in the family, on average only half as many people will be high risk.
  3. Insurers should make multigene panel testing contingent on genetic counseling with a qualified professional to help assure that patients are provided with the most accurate and up to date information about the clinical implications of the test results.
  4. Clinical guidelines of professional organizations such as the NSGC, ACMG, NCCN, ASCO, should endorse multigene panels. Not necessarily specific gene panels, but rather the concept of multigene panels in general. Insurers will have a harder time denying coverage for a test if is widely recommended by groups that help set standards of care.
  5. We must continue to conduct clinical and economic studies to help determine the utility of multigene panels. The studies will require broad cooperation among labs, research institutions and individual researchers, patient organizations, and international consortia. And genetic counselors should be at the forefront of these studies. We are the boots on the ground for almost every new genetic test and are in a prime position to lead research efforts. We should be driving this mule team, not sitting in the back of the wagon hoping that we don’t fall off at the next bump.
  6. As I have discussed previously, there is reason to believe that some labs may be engaging in deceptive billing practices if they do not let insurers know that a panel is being but the insurer is only billed for BRCA analysis. This, in my view, is frankly unethical and creates an atmosphere of distrust. I would not be surprised if this has partially contributed to insurers’ reluctance to cover multigene panel testing. Such practices, if they are taking place, must be discontinued. Honesty and openness are sine qua non in any relationship.

Patients have the potential to benefit greatly from advances in genetic testing. But new technologies also create new challenges and require new ways of thinking about the care that we provide and how we justify paying for it.

 

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Resta’s Rules of Genetic Counseling

You will not find these pearls of wisdom in Psyche and Helix, Psychosocial Genetic Counseling, A Guide To Genetic Counseling, or the Journal of Genetic Counseling. I am certain that they will never be the source of correct responses on genetic counseling board certification exams. These insights are based on personal observations made during my 3+ decades of genetic counseling practice. There is almost no research to back them up but they are gospel truth nonetheless. Well, at least they seem true.

 

Unknown41RNFQVXQAL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Unknown-110897_015_006

1) All interactions with patients are primarily psychosocial encounters, no matter how much we or patients consciously or unconsciously try to focus on facts and figures.

2) All research studies are flawed in some way. Therefore, all facts, figures, and risk predictions that we so confidently quote are wrong, with the possible exception of Mendelian segregation ratios (but even there…). Quite often, several seemingly well designed studies about the same topic will produce conflicting results.

3) Which risk figures we choose to quote reflect more about our own unconscious biases, training, and professional influences than it does about the robustness of the statistics themselves.

4) It often turns out that patients with the lowest a priori risk have the highest chance of actually testing positive for a gene mutation and, conversely, the highest risk patients actually have the lowest chance of testing positive for a gene mutation (and I am not altogether making this up).

5) In a family that looks like it could have two different genetic syndromes, one syndrome highly likely and the second syndrome fairly unlikely, if you don’t test the family for the less likely syndrome they will inevitably be tested by another care provider some day and test positive, and then you will foolish and insecure (especially if the other care provider is not a geneticist). But if when you initially see the family you do the testing for the less likely syndrome, the testing will be normal and you will kick yourself for wasting healthcare dollars. Perhaps this is a corollary to Rule Number 4.

6) As I have previously pointed out in The Resta Paradox* there is a sub-set of patients who believe that the most improbable things will happen to them. If you say to such a patient “The odds of this happening are one in a thousand” the patient will inevitably respond “Well, I will be that one in a thousand. Rare things always happen to me.” To some extent, this is an example of Abby Lippman’s key insight from 35 years ago that patients inevitably dichotomize odds – either it will happen to me or it won’t. It may also be a defense mechanism, a way for patients to prepare themselves for the possibility of an unlikely undesired outcome. Trying to reassure such patients with even more statistics is an exercise in futility; these situations require good basic counseling skills. Really, when it comes down to it, who cares what numbers they choose to believe? A better counseling approach is to acknowledge the patient’s viewpoint and then explore why they believe these numbers and how that perception affects their decision-making.

Graphics by Emily Singh

 

7) If you make a clerical error, no matter how tiny and seemingly insignificant, it will come back to haunt you in unforeseeable and kafkaesque ways, and it will be nearly impossible to undo the error. My father, a career clerk, used to tell me ad nauseam “The world would be a better place if there were more good clerks.” Dad, bless his clerical heart, was right.

8)  The patients for whom you put in the most effort – or pre-appointment preparation – are the ones most likely to complain about you or to no-show for their appointments.

9) Nobody – not our billing departments or even health insurers themselves – understands insurance coverage for genetic counseling and genetic testing. Genetics itself is far simpler to understand than billing for genetics.

10) There will be at least one genetic counselor at your institution who is on maternity leave or planning a wedding.

The Resta Paradox  (graphic by Emily Singh)

* – The astute DNA Exchange reader may have noted a tendency on the author’s part to name things after himself – Resta’s Rules, The Resta Paradox, RestaEZ Gene Panels. Admittedly this is shameless ego stroking. But it is better than an eponymous syndrome. With all due respect and apologies to our genetic counseling colleague Ann Smith, my preference is for a medical cure or a clever theory to be associated with my surname.

And, once again, a special thanks to Emily Singh, daughter extraordinaire, for help with graphics.

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VUS iz dos? Suggestions For A Reasonable Policy On Reporting Genetic Variants of Unknown Significance.

In a previous post, I raised questions about the appropriateness of certain billing policies for multigene cancer panels. As expected, it evoked some thoughtful and strongly felt comments and disagreements. But one thing we can all agree on about multigene panels is that the rate of detecting variants of uncertain significance (VUS) is way too high, usually in the range of 30-40%.

It will be many years before we will be able to determine the clinical significance of most of these variants, even if collaborative VUS reporting among labs becomes a reality and – more concerning to me – the public databases are properly curated. Indeed, the high frequency of VUS may prove to be the Achilles heel of multigene panels particularly as genetic testing increasingly takes place outside of the realm of genetics specialists.

What benefits do patients get from knowing about VUS? Absolutely none that I can think of. Knowledge of a VUS does nothing to enhance their medical decision-making or psychosocial well-being. For some patients, knowledge of VUS may contribute to short-term anxiety and uncertainty. Despite our best efforts, many patients have a look on their face that suggests something along the lines of “I am not exactly sure what was just said to me but I think I have a mutation in a cancer causing gene and how can that not be related to my family history of cancer?” Even more concerning, we all have one too many stories about patients who made surgical decisions based on a VUS, particularly when patients have not been counseled by a genetically sophisticated clinician, in direct contradiction to our dictum that “These results should not be used to guide patient care or cancer risk assessment for the patient or the patient’s family.”

So let me offer a solution that many genetic counselors will think is heresy and antithetical to basic genetic counseling philosophy. Stone, spitball, egg, and tomato me if you will, but my recommendation is that VUS should not be reported out by laboratories.

Instead of reporting specific VUS, I suggest that all genetic test reports – and pre-test counseling notes and result letters that are sent to patients and care providers – include a clearly written and highly visible general disclaimer along the lines of: Variants of unknown clinical significance are very commonly detected on genetic tests. These variants cannot and should not be used to guide medical care or help better understand cancer risks, and therefore are not detailed here. We continually monitor and study these variants. In the uncommon event that a variant is eventually re-classified as pathogenic or otherwise important for guiding your medical care and assessing your health risks, you and your doctor will be promptly notified.

A variant  should be reported when the lab feels that there is a reasonable possibility that the variant might be clinically important. In those cases, labs should offer family studies if they think that the functional and clinical significance of the mutation can be clarified by studying families that segregate the specific mutation. Of course, labs should be able to provide the VUS result – along with their rationale for classifying it as unknown rather than benign or pathogenic – if a patient or provider requests it.

By the way, I prefer Variants of Unknown Significance over Variants of Uncertain Significance. Maybe I am nit-picking, but uncertain seems to leave more psychological wiggle room for patients and care providers to think “Hey, maybe this is important” while unknown suggests that we really do not know what it means.

I can think of two reasons that help explain why we continue to report VUS to patients. One reason stems from our tendency to over-explain, the original sin of genetic counseling. In our desire to adequately inform patients we often overload them with a compressed course in advanced biology and genetics. In a form of counter-transference, we think of our patients as some version of ourselves and we sometimes unconsciously speak to them as if we were speaking to ourselves. Many genetic counselors are science nerds at heart and we tacitly assume that any rational person (i.e., someone who thinks like me) would want to know all those gloriously fine technical and scientific details.

The second reason that we report out VUS is that our concept of a gene is stuck in about 1995 or so. Back then we envisioned genes as highly stable structures which would occasionally have a few mutant alleles, and therefore Mutation = Bad. In fact, mutations are strikingly common and only a few are of clinical or evolutionary significance. Mutations are the norm for genes, not the exception.

This policy would require broad acceptance by the genetics community – genetic counselors, medical geneticists, genetics labs, and others. Perhaps a first step could be to conduct studies that randomly assign patients to two groups, one that receives VUS results and one that does not. Those patients could be followed for a period of time and then compare the two groups for differences in utilization of surgery and screening, as well as psychosocial adaptation and quality of life.

Let’s modify our counseling philosophy to fit into the 21st century. Many of us may kick and scream at first because, well, it is so different from what we normally do. But once you get past the initial shock,  relax and kick off your shoes, sip a beer, and think about it more clearly and calmly, you may begin to feel differently.

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Benefits, Beneficence, and Bending Ethics: Questionable Billing Practices for Multigene Panels?

Germline multigene panel testing is the new hot thing in genetic counseling circles. For the last 15 or so years, the equation has read “Breast Cancer Genetics = BRCA Testing,” with the occasional TP53, PTEN, STK11, or CDH1 test thrown in when we thought we were being clinically astute and smarter than the non-geneticsts at Tumor Board. But now, thanks to the discovery of other genes linked to hereditary breast cancer along with the miracle of massively parallel sequencing, we can test patients for a bucketful of genes in one fell swoop without significantly increasing the cost. We debate the wisdom of including some of the genes on these panels, differences in laboratory quality, the clinical value of the information, and – everybody’s favorite – high rates of variants of uncertain significance. These are  important issues but here I want to discuss an ethically gray practice that has not received much public airing – billing health insurers for multigene panels.

Here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, roughly half of the health insurance companies cover multigene panels. Not uncommonly, patients will request “that new gene test” that their friend told them about. Counseling issues aside, many patients are disappointed when they learn that if they want a multigene panel, their insurer will not pay for it and they will have to fork over $1500-$4100 of their own hard-earned money. But word on the street – and I am not naming names since I don’t have personal experience with this phenomenon yet – is that some patients are managing to get gene panels covered by their insurers even when their carriers have explicit policies against such testing.

I have been told – and again I acknowledge that I do not have hard proof of this – that some labs are running the panels but not letting insurers know that a multigene panel test was performed. This is partially due to the insurance coding game. The billing codes for BRCA testing are the same as the billing codes for multigene panels, so on one level, insurers are blind to the distinction between the two tests and might never know that their policyholders are not exactly getting the test that the insurer paid for. If  labs eat these costs in full, well, that’s their own business decision and not an ethical lapse (although I wonder how many write-offs a lab can absorb while still maintaining profitability).

If this deceptive billing practice is indeed taking place, it is hard to believe that labs are doing this strictly out of the goodness of their hearts or entirely out of concern for the health and well-being of patients. Genetic testing for hereditary breast cancer has become highly competitive and labs are intensely vying for market share since the US Supreme Court decision in Association for Molecular Pathology v. Myriad Genetics opened up BRCA testing to all labsIf labs are engaging in this practice, it is likely because they want to win the favor of major cancer centers that can provide millions of dollars of business.

Billing an insurer for a test when the lab is aware that the insurer does not cover it, and not letting the insurer know which test was actually run, strikes me as dishonest rather than just bending the rules. And if we genetic counselors stand silently by and allow this to transpire, we are accessories to this moral – and legal? – infraction. It may also cause insurers like Cigna to rethink their policy of requiring a consultation with a genetic counselor before approving coverage for genetic testing. We are, after all, supposed to be conscientious about their guidelines when we order genetic testing for their policyholders.


RULES2

Now let me be clear. I am (mostly) a supporter of gene panel testing and think it should be a covered benefit, though I must admit that I am a bit disappointed in the low yield of actionable positive results beyond BRCA. I have spent an inordinate amount of time appealing these policies, with little success. It is frustrating for me and it makes patients unhappy when their insurer does not cover a test that care providers think could be useful.

Sure, we want what we think is best for patients, and yes insurance company policies can be maddening. But that does not provide moral justification for deceiving insurance companies. The ends do not justify the means. Instead, it should put the burden on us to continue to appeal the policies through established channels and to perform research studies that assess the clinical value of testing for genes such as NBN, RAD51C, or PALB2. Insurers have a valid point when they say that there are inadequate data to determine the clinical utility of multigene panel tests for their policyholders.

I hope that what I have been told is incorrect. If so, then we can write this posting off as based on unverified rumors. But if there is some truth to it, then we need to have a hard and thoughtful discussion. I am interested in hearing the experience of others with insurance coverage for multigene panels.

 

- Thank you to Emily Singh for help with the graphics.

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Who The Hell Do We Think We Are? 12 Questions About The Future Of Genetic Counseling

In the prophet business, they laugh at you when your predictions are wrong and chase you out-of-town – or worse – when your predictions prove to be correct. So, at the risk of being tarred and feathered or be made to wear a Scold’s Bridle, I venture twelve questions about possible future scenarios for the genetic counseling profession. Feel free to add a Comment with your own questions (and see how hard it is to be a prophet).

  1. Will our primary role be to serve as interpreters of test results for laboratories and ordering physicians? With the increasing growth of genetic laboratory services and a widespread lack of genetic sophistication among most ordering clinicians, laboratory demand for genetic counselors may far exceed employment in clinics. Besides, why should hospitals spend money on salary and benefits for genetic counselors when lab genetic counselors can provide the expertise?
  2. Might we become consultants for online genetic testing companies, helping plan, develop, and sell their products?  This could be a future where genetic testing is arranged over the Internet through a handful of megalabs, an oligopoly that controls the market. Such lab equivalents of Alibaba and Amazon, would sell gene products – clinical and otherwise – to an international market, where there is no clear-cut distinction between consumer and patient. This is not such an outlandish possibility; consider the connection between 23andMe and Google.This scenario sounds like the basis for a Philip K. Dick nightmare novel.
  3. Could we evolve into educators/communicators for the public rather than individual patients? With genetics predicted to be incorporated into everyday medical care, there is no way we can provide genetic counseling to everyone. But we could become a universal resource, developing and providing educational materials and expertise for clinicians, patients, courts of law, film makers, and just about anybody who has a genetic question.
  4. With institutions wanting to provide cost-effective care with as few employees as possible, along with the ongoing trend of hospital mergers and consolidations, could we become self-employed specialists who serve in consulting roles across multiple health care settings? We might strap on our NSGC issued jetpacks to hop from campus to campus of regional mega-hospitals to deliver genetic consultations on a moment’s notice.
    Genetic Counseling Jet Pack
  5. Will we change our profession’s focus from genotype counseling to phenotype counseling? In the past, a visit to the genetics clinic was necessary to sort through the appropriate genetic testing for patients, since it would be far too expensive to run every genetic test possible. With affordable multi-gene panels and whole exome/genome sequencing, it will no longer be economically necessary to see a geneticist to order “the right tests.” Just throw the whole plate of DNA strand spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks. The job of genetic counselors will then be to figure out what phenotype(s) could be expected from the array of test results.
  6. Will we become health/life style coaches? This is a natural progression from what we are doing now in cancer and cardiovascular clinics. Based on genetic test results we make  recommendations for health care and life style. Followed to the logical outcome, this model could be applied to almost any disease with a substantive, actionable, and identifiable genetic component.
  7. Will we be charged to be guardians of the public’s genetic health? With the introduction of Down syndrome screening of all pregnancies, universal carrier screening, and expanded newborn screening, there will be growing social pressure to “control and cure genetic disease.” This future could easily slide into creepy eugenic territory and provide Nathaniel Comfort material for several more books about the often vague distinction between relieving individual suffering and “population improvement.” This is not such an outlandish idea; James Neel, the great geneticist and a major figure in the early days of medical genetics, titled his magnum opus Physician To The Gene Pool.
  8. Will we be private entrepreneurs who offer our services directly to the public in GeneTruckshopping malls, pop-up counseling clinics, and mobile GeneTrucks,  bringing our services  to the public in non-traditional settings?
  9. Can we be all of the above and still maintain our unique professional identity?
  10. How will training programs properly prepare students for so many futures?
  11. Will there be a perception of less of a need for psychosocial skills? Will we lose sight of the basic truth that any interaction between two human beings is always a psychological interplay?
  12. Will the exploration of the human genome fail to  live up to its promise and hype, it’s low hanging fruit already plucked, and the current fad of genetic medicine replaced by some other medical breakthrough? Who knows, maybe gut microbiomes or epigenetic changes will be the next darling.  Would the genetic counseling profession wither on the vine?
    RIP

 

Special thanks to Emily Singh for her expertise in realizing the graphics in this posting.

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Don’t Look Now

At the bus stop the other day I saw a young man who had no nose. No proboscis, no nasal hypoplasia, no midline facial cleft, no Voldemort nasal slits. Just a deep hole, the circumference of a quarter, in the center of his face. The shock was heightened by encountering him in the clear daylight of a beautiful afternoon, outside of the normalizing context of a genetics clinic.

My mind sorted through possible etiologies. A freebasing accident gone horrifically wrong? A congenital anomaly syndrome whose name was lost in the cobwebs of my brain? A developmental process gone awry? The product of a new teratogen? An extreme case of self-mutilating psychopathology?

My fellow commuters in waiting were either staring directly at him, or, like me, struggling to disguise our rudeness by trying to simultaneously gaze at and just past him. I rationalized my behavior by telling myself that I was doing what any reasonable geneticist would do – trying to fit him into a Dave Smith pigeonhole. But, truth be told, I was gawking at him.

Name That Syndrome. It is a game that geneticists often play when we have the opportunity to observe the parade of humanity in all of its terribly wonderful variety. That exotically gorgeous woman with the ice blue eyes and gray forelock sitting at the bar? I bet she has Waardenburg syndrome. That overly friendly young boy with the starburst iris trying to make friends with every angry airline passenger aggravated by the flight delay? Only a kid with Williams syndrome could have that much faith in the goodness of humanity. That overweight blind child with post axial polydactyly clinging to her bedraggled mother, the weary pair standing on a rush hour bus because nobody had the decency to offer them a seat? I hope her pediatrician had the savvy to diagnose Bardet-Biedl syndrome. And that guy waiting to board the plane who has wide-set eyes, a depressed nasal bridge, a smooth philtrum, and mild syndactyly – he must have something. I wonder if the airport’s facial recognition security software has Gorlin’s Syndromes of the Head and Neck programmed into it?

Context matters. Within the confines of the clinic, it is entirely appropriate for a genetic professional to intensely examine every square centimeter of a patient’s body. But once we step out of the front doors of our medical towers and into the streets, we lose the mantle of medical authority that grants us the social privilege of staring closely at other human beings to look for differences subtle and profound that stray from the norm (of course, variation is the norm).

Separation of personal and professional life is a complex, challenging, and ongoing process. We often have a hard time finding the Off button for our clinical instincts. Like clerics and cops, geneticists can feel like they are never off duty. I struggle with this nearly every day, dancing a tango where I am vying with myself for the lead.

I do my best to justify the social crassness of Name That Syndrome by re-framing it as clinical curiosity.  But it’s not polite to stare; Mom is right once again. On the streets they are not clinical puzzles. They are people with beating hearts who are trying to scratch out a decent life in a hard world. They deserve respect and dignity, not freak stares. If we lose sight of this, we become poorer clinicians and lesser people.

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It’s All About Me

Now that FDA and FTC are cracking down on online genetic testing there are fewer major players in the revolutionary new field of Perfectly Useless Genetic Screening (PUGS). So I thought that I could fill this void by re-branding GeeKnowType, my previous foray into artisanal personalized genetic testing. And voila! The RestaEZ  Gene Panels™ were conceived.

The basic principle behind the RestaEZ Gene Panels™ is that if somebody, somewhere says something is genetic – especially if the source is the Internet –  then enough consumers, er, patients, will believe it and I will offer a genetic test for it.

Here is a  sample of some of the valuable medical information you will obtain from my RestaEZ Gene Panels™:

Restassured – The prenatal test that uses circulating free placental DNA that will assure you that your unborn baby is not gay, obese, gluten-sensitive, or unable to get into the finest college or preschool. Of course, I have nothing against overweight gay men who can’t even go out for pizza with his friends and who barely graduated high school, but, well, you know, parents should have a choice about these things.

UnderAResta – Worried that your adorable baby may be the next Baby Face Nelson? Then insist that your child’s pediatrician screen your baby for XYY, CTNNA2, and MAOA. A portion of the fee is donated to the Restatution Fund, which will pay any legal fees and bail on the outside chance that a random socioeconomic factor might influence your genetically normal child to break the law and affect the subsequent verdict and sentencing.

Restaurateur - Interested in a career as a chef but not sure if you have the palate for it? This panel  – which includes  TAS2R38, TAS1R2TAS1R3, PKD2L1, and PKD1L3  genes – will let you know if you are a supertaster or if you may as well be eating cardboard or truffles for all you can tell. Order this panel and I will throw in polycystic kidney disease testing at no extra cost.

RestaLess Legs Do you think you may have wanderlust but can’t stay in one place long enough to find out? Are you losing sleep because you think that your partner may up and leave you out of the blue and leave you singing the blues? Then DRD4 analysis is what you need. Important – please leave a forwarding address so the results can be sent to you.

RestaLess Eggs - Are you paranoid that your hot new girlfriend will all of a sudden “find herself pregnant,” trap you into  marriage, and ruin your otherwise excellent relationship and sex life? Then have her take the test for The Mom Gene when she asks if you think you two should move in together. No more fretting about lifetime sentences, umm, I mean, commitments.

PRestaDigitation – Whatever happened to The Vapors, Neursasthenia, Hysteria, and all those other diseases that were rampant in the 19th and early 20th century? Well, let me assure you that they are still with us but because doctors could never cure them they instead sold us the line that these were imaginary disorders and magically made them disappear by snapping their fingers and declaring them obsolete. I can  just as easily wave my hands and make these maladies suddenly re-appear in near epidemic numbers; all I have to do is utilize social media to recruit people who think they are afflicted with these serious disorders. Although no genetic markers are yet available for these conditions, I am sure that if I run enough genome wide association studies I will find some linked anonymous markers. This will allow sufferers to receive personalized medical care, such as the water cure, magnotherapy, electrotherapy, uterine massage, and yogurt based enemas provided by spas, asylums, sanatoria, and other major medical centers.

I strongly recommend that anyone seriously interested in their genetic make-up include in their order the RestaTheResults Option. At little extra cost – only 50 cents per nucleotide – you will have access to every single genetic variant in your personal genome, including benign polymorphisms, synonymous variants, and every variant in your non-coding DNA. Because it’s your DNA, damn it, and you have the constitutional and God-given right to know your entire genetic blueprint and the government has no business withholding it from you.

I declare no conflict of interest when it comes to RestaEZ Gene Panels™. Sure, I make money off of the tests but that is beside the point. I am a good person, well-intentioned, guided by sound ethical principles, and I am only trying to make people’s lives better.

 

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